Updated: Feb 23, 2020
Retro journal entry:
They say that and Aries is competitive by nature.
But in this moment of vulnerability I have to admit that I would be a lot more competitive if I weren’t scared to enter race.
I say I’m not competitive when the true truth is I think that I’m afraid to put myself out there for others judgment.
There is still a little piece of me that believes others will always beat me, they would always be better than me so I don’t even entered to win.
Others are prettier, more talented, polished.
Whether that’s true or not, I don’t know. Because it is true that others could be faster than you. Bigger than you. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that they better than you. Or that it’s “Their” turn.
Layer 1- Maybe another layer to this is the fact that I don’t take the time to perfect and study my talents. Natural ability is good. But I’m not sure if I’ve mastered them well enough to put them against someone else. Natural ability gets you gassed up by your family...but out in the world measured against others?
When it comes to competitions, sometimes ability is not the only thing that determines the winner. You have to put it out there for others to judge it.
Layer 2- Maybe I’m afraid to get the judgment put on me that I have historically put on others?
Layer 3- I’m questioning my own ability is a factor. Can I really deliver what I said I could?
Later 4- Additionally it is opening myself up to judges and their opinions. Their rulings, judgment and verdict on who they believe is best. What is THEY don’t think I’m the best, in front of others! PUBLIC!
Layer 5- Have I become OK with not being the best and talking myself through the process of knowing that you don’t have to be the best to still win. Am I settling for mediocre? Am I really doing my BEST?
Layer 6- What if I really am the best but I never gave myself a chance of show it!
Layer 7 If I can be honest, deep within I want somebody other that my core family to feel I’m the best. Not just myself. Not just in my safe box.
Layer 8- Even saying that feels conflicting. Like, by admitting this it feels like I’m saying that my own validation isn’t enough. Can’t I personally feel that I’m the best and still want others to feel that I’m the best too?
Do you see this big ball of yarn. Where is the beginning? Where is the end?
Things I work out inside of my own brain. Trying not to take myself too far down the rabbit hole...
How did I Move past this, February 2020?
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I forced myself to go back and identify when i was a child. Recognize and honor the first time i beived this message and heal her.
Secondly I require myself to try things I know I'm scared of doing. I MAKE myself enter and if I don't win BEST I know where i need to improve. Or I find out how unique I AM in what I do. Nothing like anyone else. Just start loving my own cooking!
I put the blinders on. Comparison is the worst confidence killer. All the while people are comparing themselves to YOU. Thinking that YOU are the benchmark while you are over there doubting yourself.
Lastly, I had to work on really believing i had a shot. That i was indeed one of the best. This mentailty